i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
