I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
