Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
