oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
