hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.