you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
