There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.