I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
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Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.