I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?