Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
