Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
