I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
