Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
