if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
