its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
