my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
