Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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