My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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