We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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