Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
