I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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