Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.