Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
