i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
