Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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