I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
