she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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