If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I smell like Dick and happiness
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Drunk is a universal language darling
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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