I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
