in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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