He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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