I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
