The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night