He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.