I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
