i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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