Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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