I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize