apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
COCAINE IS GR8
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
