Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
