he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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