she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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