If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
