I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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