you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I deserve this hangover.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
