I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
