just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
