Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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