I just pynch a tree in the face
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
