The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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