I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
