when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
