You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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