I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.