Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes